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February 5, 2008

In 9th grade, in my World Geography class, we were studying South America. Our teacher, who shall remain nameless to protect his identity, came up with the dipshit idea of having us get into groups and create travel brochures for a country in South America. I paired up with my BFF Samantha, because we sat in the same desk threesome. I’ve never had another teacher organize desks that way. Two people would face each other, and then the third person would sit on the end, like how some people stick chairs on the end of booths, as if there’s room for them, but there really isn’t or they would have made the table bigger. I digress. We were all randomly assigned countries, and given a “fact sheet” about our country in order to facilitate our “travel brochure design.” Samantha and I called bullshit on the project, as we were apt to do about most things, because 9th grade is bullshit and we knew it.

We somehow ended up with Uruguay. We both read our little fact booklet over and came to the conclusion that no one in their right minds would want to go to Uruguay. (Lo siento a los uruguayos que están leyendo esto….No puedo más que echar la culpa sobre los escritores de la hoja). I mean…there is no reason to go there. None. My capacity for bullshit only being so high, I saw only one option. We mounted the greatest smear campaign Mr. R’s classroom has ever seen. The only way to make Uruguay look good was to make everyone else look bad. I should mention that we had to present these to the class and then have everyone vote on the country they wanted to go to most. Why go to Brazil when you have a greater chance of being stabbed there than anywhere else in South America? Why would you want to travel to Colombia when they have 15 major volcanoes, earthquakes, and illegally armed guerrillas growing illegal crops on deforested lands? Did you know Colombia also has the highest murders per capita not just of South America but any country in the world? Haha. People were upset, which is understandable. But they were trying to hide the facts. It’s just that kind of dishonesty that voters are tired of. Funny story, the day we presented our “brochure” we had a substitute teacher. While the class was outraged, he defended us and told the class “Hey, you know, if you’re trying to sell something, it doesn’t have to be the best. It just has to be better than your competition.” That dude rocked.

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