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2nd Annual Holiday Shopping Guide

November 29, 2007

Planes. Meh. They don’t let you smoke anymore, you can’t talk on your cell phone, cocktails are $5, and they make you watch god-awful movies. But they do have one redeeming quality, and that is SkyMall Magazine. It’s free! You take it with you, and they replace it for the next person! Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like “I picked this out for you on the 4:40 to Dallas”.

First up: a voice-activated R2D2. He obeys commands and “navigates rooms and hallways, and makes any home feel like it has been transported to a galaxy far, far away.” Right, as if that isn’t fucking creepy. He also “plays games like tag, using an infra-red sensor to search for people in a room.” And then, after you’re done playing hide and seek, you can have a deep conversation about how you’re never, ever going to get laid. $119.95

r2d2.jpg

Now SkyMall has a whole plethora of Harry Potter paraphernalia, but this one caught my eye:gryffindor.jpg

The sword of Gryffindor (must be said in hushed tones). Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to bash all these epic movie trilogies (or heptalogies, as the case may be), I like Harry Potter as much as the next dork. But why do you need that, really? $195

I think I know somebody who wants this…

freddie.jpg

I wander what the “medley of classic Queen songs” that he plays are. If it doesn’t include “Fat Bottomed Girls” you can just forget it. $44.95

Aside from the patently ridiculous, the useless and extravagant, there are a lot of items in Skymall that I would say are just downright dangerous. Of course, nothing compares to the one time I saw a “Smoke Protection Kit” that literally consisted of a plastic bag to put over your head in case of a fire, but these items sure come close:

bigfoot.jpg

Do you have any idea how long it took me to stop laughing to be able to write this? It’s a two foot tall garden yeti. Just stick it in your front yard and watch the number of automobile/automobile and automobile/pedestrian accidents increase four-fold on your street. “Holy shit! That was big foot! In those people’s yard! Look! Over th”–crunch. $98.95

And finally, from SkyMall:

giantlighter.jpg

Giant lighter, $29.95. Looks like you may need that smoke hood after all. This is literally the copy from SkyMall: “Imagine the looks on your friends’ faces as you casually pull out your Giant Lighter to light their cigarette…good for a thousand laughs over a lifetime.”

Moving on, I’m sure if you’re anything like me, the name Zach Morris warms your heart and calls you back to a time when cell phones were the size of bricks, and Screech wasn’t an asshole. And you probably remember this:

It was a Very Special Episode. And now you can commemorate it with your own Very Special T-Shirt:

jessiespano.jpg

Men’s and women’s sizes, $16.99 at bustedtees.com.

Now, I just finished reading this book, so I can really recommend it. It’s got the entirety of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner speech, stickers, and plenty of helpful graphics, for those of you who don’t really ‘read.’ You know, those people who under ‘Favorite Books’ on Myspace or Facebook write, “Does Cosmo count!!!!” It has lots of pretty pictures (mainly of Stephen) and useful charts (like the one comparing Gloria Steinem to Ted Kaczynski and Charles Manson).

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But nothing is so telling perhaps as the jacket photo of Stephen, with his head Photoshopped onto the Hulk, stabbing a bear with the American flag. Amazon, $16.19, $16.49 for the Audiobook, which I’ve also heard is good.

I think I maybe already mentioned this, but someone finally posted the clip I wanted on YouTube:

“You want to make out or something?” Lindsey, I totally feel your pain. Freaks and Geeks: The Complete Series on DVD, $54.99

Well kids, that it’s for this edition. But there’s still gads of time until Christmas. Volume 2 may be coming your way soon!

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Travis permalink
    November 30, 2007 2:04 pm

    I’d like to congratulate you on finding two of the most amazing gifts on Skymall! The Freddie Mercury Doll/Action figure thing, and the giant lighter…

    I seriously have a warm spot for prop comedy where the only thing funny about the prop is that’s bigger than it should be. My friends and I have been talking about how awesome the giant lighter is for years! Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how big of a square you are) I quit smoking almost 3 months ago, so I have little use for the giant lighter, yet I still want one!

    And as for the Freddie Mercury doll, I mean come on, it’s so awesome I don’t even want to try and explain its awesomeness with words!

  2. Megan permalink*
    November 30, 2007 2:49 pm

    Well congrats on quitting the death sticks, Travis. Fortunately, you don’t have to be a smoker to know you definitely need a giant lighter…for like candles, and stuff. Skymall is possibly one of my favorite things ever. I wish to God I could find a picture of that smoke mask thing. It was like that skit on SNL with Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtain where he was selling Halloween costumes, and one of them was “Johnny Spaceman” and it basically consisted of a plastic bag to put over your head and a rubber band to secure it.

  3. Travis permalink
    December 1, 2007 11:52 am

    I actually don’t even need to see a picture, I know exactly what you’re talking about with the smoke mask. It was a small cylinder looking thing, that when you opened it became a yellowish plastic bag that you stuffed over your head to “save your life”.

    I’ve been quite the fan of skymall for a while as well.

  4. Will permalink
    December 11, 2007 8:49 pm

    Ya know I have to say it’s pretty cool swinging around my Anduril from return of the king- even if it is the geekiest thing ever to admit to owning it. Good luck with finals.

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  1. The 3rd Annual Holiday Shopping Guide « Megan Goes to Hollywood

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